Whistle For The Choir
by Friends Babe
Summary: Adam sits alone at a bar, nursing a whiskey and trying to remember a time when he was OK with this being his life ...


_Hello children! So I've become slightly obsessed with songfics at the moment, apologies, and was driving home from work the other day boogieing along to The Fratellis when I realised how much I loved these lyrics, and how much they fitted in with Adam and Jess. It's set from Adam's POV (which is the first time I've wrote him in depth, so please be gentle) and doesn't really fit in anywhere series wise, it's just there, it's post breakup, but before Harry. Opinions, thoughts and constructive criticism always welcome. _

_Thank you please :D x_

**Whistle For The Choir**

**Rating PG**

**Part 1/1**

_Well it's a big big city and it's always the same  
Can never be too pretty tell me you your name  
Is it out of line if I was to be bold and say "Would you be mine"?_

I don't know why you caught my eye. Why out of every person in that room it was you that took my breath away, made me pause, the glass raised to my mouth as I drank in every inch of you. Even now, months and a lifetime later, I still find myself wondering, in those dark nights – why you? What made you stop, raise your eyebrows as you spoke to me, to me. Why out of everyone in that room it was me you saw, me you noticed. And they what made me follow you, strike up a conversation? Unwittingly begin the scariest, most intense, incredibly heartbreaking twelve months of my life? I suppose with things as complicated as that, you just never know. They are just instinctive decisions, made on a heartbeat skipped, and then suddenly you're already there, already invested. And from their, there's just no going back.

Most events seem like that. Especially the important ones. The decisions and choices you spend months agonising over will undoubtedly be forgotten about in the grand scheme of things, when on in twenty years all you remember is the beautiful woman who caught your eye and flayoud a smile one winter night.

_Because I may be a beggar and you maybe the queen  
I know I maybe on a downer am still ready to dream  
Now it's 3 o'clock the time is just the time it takes for you to talk_

But we did notice each other. And then, in those precious few hours we were just Adam and Jessica. There were no complications, no histories, no surnames. We were simply two people who took solace in each other one lonely night and be dammed the consequences. Now, when I think back on that first meeting, I can barely even remember what we talked about. Back then it didn't seem an important enough conversation to remember, I suppose. All I know is you made me laugh, and challenged me to do the same.

It was about midnight when I offered to walk you home (with no intention of ever reaching your front door), the alcohol pushing me forward and warming us both against the winter chill as I reached for your hand as we set off, entwining your fingers in mine as I stole a glance, satisfied to see you was doing the same. We'd barely reached the end of the road before I couldn't control myself any longer and before I knew it you was there, engulfing my every sense as my lips met yours, my hands explored every inch of you, as you entwined your fingers in my hair.

"It's just around the corner" I cut in, breathless as we broke apart.

"What is?" you asked, your lipstick slightly smudged and your hair a lot less straight that it had been.

"My place"

In your silence I thought I might have been pushing it, that maybe you had just wanted a walk home and a goodnight kiss. I frantically searched my brain, trying to think of anyway to rectify this situation, to stop you simply walking away, leaving me with nothing but burning lips and a slapped face. Instead you pulled me closer to you, slower this time as you brushed your lips against mine, finding my hand as you pulled me towards you, whispering, your voice barely audible, "Lets go"

_So if you're lonely why'd you say your not lonely  
Oh you're a silly girl, I know I hurt it so  
It's just like you to come  
And go and know me, no you don't even know me_

_You're so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye  
A girl like you's just irresistible_

If I'd have know then what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have followed you. Maybe I'd have just continued on with my life, spent the evening with my friends, drinking fine whiskey and enjoying fine conversation. Maybe I'd have been just fine, maybe I'd have survived. Because now you're everywhere, and I don't know why. In the eyes of a stranger, the smile of a mother, the face of a patient. Everywhere I turn I see you, and it scares me. I'm always the one in control, I call the shots, make the phone calls, arrange the dates. I don't, ever, let anyone else take over me. I am Germany. Strong and unwilling to be conquered. Only then you came along, drawing me in with your English charm, reducing me to my knees so fast I barely even noticed it happening. And then, just as soon as I finally let go, my last little finger dropped from the ledge and my heart became yours, you pulled yourself away. Breaking the thing I'd so preciously wrapped and presented to you.

I know things were hard for you. I understood the situation, even if I didn't like it. I know you were a mother first and foremost, and I tried so hard not to pressure you. Not to scream out loud when every night I saw you leaving with him, ready to go home, hold hands, share a small kiss as he took your bag. Going home to a night spent together. When all we had was stolen moments in the on call room, and those precious few days when you agreed to come home with me, when I could pretend, just for a few hours, that we were a normal couple, that this was our life.

Perhaps that was my mistake, trying so hard to make things easy for you. I don't think you ever really knew how much it killed me whenever I rolled over in bed and you weren't there, knowing you were with him, in your real life. Let's face it, you never really knew me did you? It was all about you, the struggles you faced, the dilemma you were in, never once did you ask how this was affecting me. But I suppose, if you spend your entire life playing the aloof, flirtatious one, no one ever expects you to have feelings of your own.

_Well it's a big big city and the lights are all out  
But it's much as I can do you know to figure you out  
And I must confess, my hearts in broken pieces  
And my heads a mess_

I'd been planning my moment ever since you told me you loved me, the entire drive into work, the shift right up until the moment it was all blown away, I'd been planning. I'd never loved anyone before, had no idea how to actually say those words, how to make you understand that this didn't have to change anything if you didn't want it to. I wasn't going to start demanding you leave him. It could be our little secret, the fact that this was no longer a torrid affair, this was the real thing. I went through it all in my head, a romantic dinner, discounted because we couldn't be seen in public together, at work, a home cooked meal at my flat, discounted because I assumed 'I love you' didn't so as romantic after a poorly cooked, hazardous meal, at work, discounted because quite simply, you deserved better.

And then it all went wrong. And suddenly for you it became all too real. I had my moment, laid myself on the line and told you exactly how I felt only to receive nothing but a stony glance in return. I knew things had changed for you after the accident, I just never expected things to change between us. I thought we were different, we were above that. I suppose in hindsight I went into our relationship with the same blind enthusiasm and lust of the first relationship I'd never really had. I surrounded myself with you, stole as many moments as I could and honestly believed this would never end, trusted that you felt as deeply for me as I did for you. It always hurts when you find out the person you trusted with your heart has simply thrown it back at you, I just never realised how much it destroyed you.

I still held out my hope, believed with all my soul that as soon as Lucas was better we would be OK, you would realise the reason why you cheated on Sean in the first place and you'd remember me. And, pathetic as it is, I would drop everything the instant that happened and just be there. I told you that, the day you found out about Zoe, told you I was here for you, no questions asked, and you gave me that hope again. Dangled that hope in front of me, allowed me to believe we would have a future and then sat back and watched me plan it, always knowing it was never going to happen.

_And it's 4 in the morning, and I'm walking along  
Beside the ghost of every drinker here who has ever done wrong  
And it's you, woo hoo  
That's got me going crazy for the things you do  
_

So I'm back again. Sitting alone at a bar as I nurse a glass of whiskey and try to remember a time when I was OK with this being my life. You hear all kinds of descriptions of life after a relationship, the way colours seem to dull, music doesn't seem to reach and the world suddenly seems far too big for just you. I could say them all, could quote poetry for days on end but nothing could ever come close to describing the way I feel right now. And so I don't say anything, I refuse to. No one even knows we were together, who could I talk to even if I wanted to?

I suppose in a way it's ironic. I spent my entire life running as far away as I could from any kind of commitment, happily telling my friends they were ruining their lives as each and every one of them got married. And the finally, I found my person, allowed myself to feel, and at the moment when I needed more than anything to just talk to someone about it, I had to remain as cool, calm, professional Adam. Because on the surface nothing had changed, my life hadn't been turned upside down and my heart still belonged to myself.

I should hate you, at least dislike you. I know I'm not perfect, know I made some mistakes, said some things I shouldn't. But I never lied, I never pretended to be anything I wasn't, I never strung you along or pulled away as soon as you came too close. But every time I try and force myself to despise you, to tell myself that I'm better off without you, I don't need the stress, the hassle, the constant heartache, I see you. And suddenly it's not my head that's in control.

_So if you're crazy I don't care you amaze me  
Oh you're a stupid girl, oh me, oh my, you talk  
I die, you smile, you laugh, I cry_

We've both changed a lot since that night in the bar, we've both grown and changed and become too much to each other in our own stupid, screwed up way. I always knew you had some pretty strange ideas about doing the right thing, protecting everyone but yourself, but even I was stunned when you were wheeled into my Resus, your body broken and your baby suddenly much more important. I don't know why you didn't tell me, why you still deny that there is any chance that child is mine, when we both know chances are we're about to become parents to it. If anyone else had done that to me, and lets face it, they could have, I don't think I'd have reacted in quite the same way.

Crazy and screwed up as you are, I love you, and my only motivation is to make sure you are happy, whether that's with me or him. I stand back and watch you, the worry on your face, the sheer joy at knowing that child was OK, and I know I can't do anything to hurt you. Instead I'll simply sit back, I'll wait for you to come to me. I'll know it's my child, but I'll ignore that fact, just to keep that smile on your face.

I'll simply sit back, continue with my own life, my own grief and never trouble you with it. I'll wait for that moment, the one I know will come, when you realise that throughout all of this I've been there, never obviously, never intrusively, but I've been there, a constant in your life when no one else was. And I'll wait for the day when you come back to me, I won't make you beg, I won't make you cry. I'll just be here, my arms open wide, ready to envelope you.

_And only, a girl like you could be lonely  
And it's a crying shame, if you would think the same  
A boy like me's just irresistible  
_


End file.
